A Day In The Life Of Ed Woodward

Step inside the life of Ed Woodward and his wife. This time Mrs Woodward is baking a cake and all Ed has to do is get the ingredients for her…

Mrs Woodward: Ed darling, would you mind popping out and getting me some butter. I’m making a cake for Toby’s wedding and I’m going to need some.

Ed: Sure darling, leave it to Ed. I’m the man who gets things done. At least, that’s what Avram and Joel say.

One hour later …

Mrs Woodward: Ed darling, you’re home! Did you get the butter?

Ed: No darling. I went to Tescos but they were charging a ridiculous amount for it. I think they’re holding me to ransom because they know I’m the CEO of Man United. I offered them what I thought was a reasonable amount for it, but they turned me down flat! But I’ll go back tomorrow. Maybe we can find a compromise.

Mrs Woodward: Well that’s disappointing, but I understand darling. By the way, have you seen the eggs? I had half a dozen, but I can’t find them in the fridge.

Ed: The eggs? Yes, I took them with me to Tescos and tried to sell them to them to offset the cost of the butter, but they didn’t want to take them. So I just gave them to a guy from Paris who was in the queue with me, he seemed very nice …

Mrs Woodward: You gave my eggs away for nothing, Ed?

Ed: Yes darling but to be honest, I don’t think the eggs are really that important to the cake.

Mrs Woodward: Well actually, they are darling. You’re going to have to replace the eggs as well now.

Ed: Sigh. OK darling, no problem, leave it to me.

The next day …

Mrs Woodward: Ed, darling, did you manage to get the butter and the eggs?

Ed: Well, nearly darling. There’s a half price offer on Lurpak at Tesco’s, so I was tempted, but I think I can get them down a bit more, so I’m going to go back tomorrow to see if it’s better.

Mrs Woodward: And the eggs?

Ed: Oh shit, I forgot about the eggs. Look, let me get the butter sorted out first, then I’ll go in for the eggs. I can’t really handle both at once.

Mrs Woodward: OK darling but please do hurry. It’s not long until Toby’s birthday and I really want to make a good impression. Mrs Guardiola’s cakes are always so amazing but I’m sure I can do just as well as her.

Ed: Of course you can, darling. You just need to have more confidence in yourself.

The next day …

Ed: Good news, darling, the cake is on! I bought you some low fat spread! It was only £2 more than the Lurpak as well. Ta-da!!

Mrs Woodward: But darling, you can’t use low fat spread in baking …

Ed: You’ll just have to make it work, darling.

Mrs Woodward: Well I suppose I’ll have to try. Did you get the eggs as well?

Ed: No. I’ll go back for them tomorrow darling. Oh and by the way, I’m sorry but I knocked the flour over earlier. You didn’t need it for anything did you?

Mrs Woodward: Oh no! Actually Ed, I do also need flour for the cake. You’ll have to replace it when you get the eggs tomorrow.

Ed: You are pretty demanding, you know. I only have one pair of hands. But I’ll see what I can do.

The next day …

Mrs Woodward: Ed, darling, did you get the eggs and flour for Toby’s cake?

Ed: No darling. I was on holiday. I’ll go tomorrow.

The next day …

Mrs Woodward: Any news on the cake, Ed?

Ed: Yes darling, I’ve got fantastic news. Chevrolet are going to pay us £20 a year to have their logo on the top of all Toby’s cakes. That should almost cover the cost of the cake!

Mrs Woodward: That’s nice darling. But the eggs and flour?

Ed: What’s more important, for Christ’s sake? Sometimes I feel you just don’t appreciate me.

The next day …

Mrs Woodward: Ed, it’s Toby’s birthday tomorrow. I really need those ingredients today! How did you get on?

Ed: I have good news, darling. I’ve solved the egg problem. I figured it out … it’s stupid to pay all these exorbitant prices for eggs, so I bought us a hen! Go and look in the back garden! Now you can have eggs any time you want, and they won’t cost us anything.

Mrs Woodward looks out of the window.

Mrs Woodward: Ed, that’s a cockerel.

Ed: You’ll just have to make it work, darling.

Mrs Woodward: And did you get the flour?

Ed: Well a funny thing happened. I had the flour in my hand, but as I was going to the till, some rich looking Arab bloke took it off me and went and bought it himself.

Mrs Woodward: Didn’t you go back to get another one?

Ed: No, it would be irresponsible to just go and grab any old one. I need to check which is the best flour and what the optimum price should be. But don’t worry, I’ve got Rio Ferdinand and Darren Fletcher working on it.

The next day … Ed and Mrs Woodward are leaving Toby’s birthday party in the car.

Ed: Well, I’ve never been so embarrassed! You really messed up with that cake, darling. It was inedible! What’s wrong with you? Couldn’t you have done something like Frau Klopp’s delicious black forest gateau? I mean Christ, darling, it was even worse than Mrs Emery’s churros!

Mrs Woodward: I’m sorry darling, but you didn’t get me the r…

Ed: … Enough of your excuses, darling. I’m divorcing you.

The End

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